2012's top tech-related stories from The Onion
As we ease back into the work routine while tending to the aftershock of our Thanksgiving overindulgences, I thought a little levity might be in order. So here, for your reading amusement, are this year's top seven tech-related stories from The Onion, according to me:
LOS ANGELES--The nation's hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the curvature of users' spines.
"I'm really excited for the iPhone 5's 4G connectivity and the fact that it won't dislocate my shoulder whenever I pick it up to answer it," said severely disfigured graphic artist Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided nylon cords. "Finally a thinner model that won't shatter my hip and take 20 years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!" Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple (NASDAQ: AAPL) fans who have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.
NEW YORK--Holding up signs and roaring with applause, employees at Accenture Management Consultants dropped their work Tuesday morning to cheer on coworker James Conrad as he shattered company records by going for a 32-minute non-stop work streak, sources reported.
"Go! Go! Go! Go!" coworkers chanted in unison as Conrad answered emails, analyzed data, and managed client accounts for the 19th straight minute without walking around the office, eating, or checking movie trailers on YouTube. "Can he go for 20? He did it! Twenty minutes of unbroken productivity and counting!" At the 22-minute mark, an exhausted Conrad was moments away from checking his Facebook (NASDAQ: FB) account but was buoyed again by the cheers of his colleagues.
UPDATE: Conrad's streak officially ended at the 32-minute mark when he took out his phone to post "Busy day at the office" on his Twitter account.
WASHINGTON--A comprehensive and groundbreaking new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center's Internet and American Life Project has found that only four users of Facebook derive pleasure of any kind from the popular social networking website.
According to the report, the remainder of the 950 million people registered with Facebook, despite using the site on a regular basis, take no joy in doing so, and in fact feel a profound sense of hopelessness and despair immediately upon logging in.
"An exhaustive analysis of our data indicates that Facebook does indeed have a positive impact on the day-to-day lives of Susannah Brambrink of Milwaukee, Tom Peros of San Diego, Eugene Phipps of Albuquerque, and Karen Fairbanks of rural Missouri," lead researcher John Elliott said. "But all other users--literally all of them--are overpowered by a deep, nameless sadness when exposed to the site, and apparently only visit it out of some sick, inexplicable compulsion bordering on masochism."
NEW YORK--With the near-ubiquity of social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook, more athletes than ever have been able to confirm every widely believed stereotype concerning their arrogance, lack of perspective, and generally inflated sense of self-importance, sources who study online consumer behavior reported this week.
"From Vikings running back Adrian Peterson using Twitter as a platform for illiterate rants on America's lack of Christian morals to Deion Sanders live-tweeting a domestic disturbance that led to his wife being arrested in front of his sons, we're seeing athletes take self-involvement to a whole new level," said Lindsay Fordham, director of social networking surveys at the The Media Audit. "Athletes given access to today's powerful, flexible personal media tools are really putting themselves on display like never before."
"Basically, once you add in the sexual misadventures, the $10,000 bar bills, and the homophobic slurs leveled at their rivals, social media is confirming every terrible belief the general public has ever held about athletes," Fordham added.
NEW YORK--This week The Huffington Post officially launched some sort of new thing, which company representatives said will provide an exciting, revolutionary new way for users to do something or other.
"We are proud to provide users with this brand-new type of thing," the website's co-founder Roy Sekoff said during the live debut of the thing that apparently exists now. "All of us at The Huffington Post have been hard at work making this, so here it is: a new thing."
Added Sekoff, "We are very proud of what we did and hope that our users can take full advantage of whatever it is this thing has to offer."
The new thing, which sources supposed is either going live or has already gone live, was designed to be used in one way or another and features hosts talking about some news stuff with guests (?) but also features a social component that allows people to talk to one another or something.
WASHINGTON--Citizens browsing news sites across the United States expressed frustration Monday after being forced to skim past more headlines about the ongoing patent infringement lawsuit between Apple and Samsung.
"It seems like every morning there's another new article about this thing and, quite honestly, I just don't care about it and I'm not clicking on it," said ad copywriter James Gibaldi, one of the millions of exasperated Americans who told reporters they were tired of Apple/Samsung links occupying space that could be used for political, entertainment, sports, health, or other technology news. "When I see 'Apple' in the headline I expect it to be about the new iPhone or something interesting, but it just turns out to be some new thing about the lawsuit. Jesus, I thought I scrolled past a headline weeks ago saying it was resolved, but there's more stuff every day."
HOUSTON--Hoping to boost profits by cutting into the valuable market share currently occupied by Apple's popular iPhone 4S, top American rice manufacturer Uncle Ben's announced plans Tuesday to release its first-ever smartphone.
Uncle Ben's, a company traditionally known for producing white, whole-grain brown, and flavored rice, confirmed a Nov. 23 launch date for its new "Basmati" phone, a 4G-capable device expected to serve as the brand's flagship product as the company makes its entry into the lucrative mobile technology sector.
"Whether it's instant rice, country-style rice, boil-in-a-bag rice, or smartphones, Uncle Ben's has always been committed to innovation," a statement from the company read in part. "In 1942, we introduced the world to easy-to-cook parboiled rice. Today, we wish to introduce you to a new vision, one in which people can cook up some Uncle Ben's on the stove and, at the same time, be on their Basmati browsing our marketplace for some new apps and texting their friends with our Instant Rice Messenger."
EUGENE, OR--Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a "Sleepy Romney" Twitter account he can use to parody Mitt Romney if the GOP candidate appears tired at any point during tonight's presidential debate.
"If he yawns even for a second, or rubs his eyes a bunch, this thing is gonna blow up," said Sidell, who told reporters the first tweet from the "Sleepy Romney" account would most likely read "zzzzzzzzz." "I could do a screen-cap of him looking sleepy and make that the avatar. And then tweet funny phrases like 'Paul R-Yawn.' People will retweet it and it will become a meme and I'll get a ton of followers."
Sidell claimed that if Romney did not appear tired tonight, he could just find a picture of the former Massachusetts governor blinking, use that, and "hope it takes off." - Caron